On partnership

Kyle and I have got married young. (23 to be exact.)We have no regrets. It's not like there was anyone else. But it is kind of funny when I hear of a kid getting married right out of college, and my first reaction is "really? are you sure? I mean...you're only 22 0r 23..." I guess we were kids. But one of us had moved across the world to do be with the other one. And that other one had been brave enough to ask her to. So, recently I had a thought as the possibility of Kyle being on trial for the two weeks loomed. Do I dread him being gone because I just got too damn dependent on him? I mean, I never did the live on your own thing. I kind of did my last year of college, but it was in a dorm type arrangements, where I ended up knowing all the other students anyway. So it doesn't really count. I have never functioned as an adult without him. That frightens me. For many reasons and the primary one being that terrible thought...what would I do if something happened to.....? We're just not going to go there today. (Or anytime in the near future I hope.) The daft thing is that when he's not around, I cope fine. I'm organized, I make good decisions (usually), I moved country for dammits sake. But when he's leaving, I fall to pieces. A very good friend, who is adapt at seeing silver linings to clouds, has this perfect lining for me; my apprehension shows that Kyle and I have a good partnership. She pointed out that it would be way worse if I didn't give a shit he was leaving. "Bon voyage kid...see you in a couple of weeks!" With not a thought or care in the world. Let alone the kind of thoughts and cares that usually take on the shape of "oh fuck,,,what do I do if someone gets sick in the night (I hate puke), and how will I get so and so to skating while the baby naps? Or how do I pick someone up when we are all (cause there's no Kyle) present to organize the Christmas pageant rehearsal at church for the pre-school religious education program I am co-chairing this year..." (Yes, I am the church lady.) Did I mention the class the finally ends in the middle of all this chaos, so there's a huge paper due?! Those types of thoughts invade my head, settle in with a suitcase, and don't leave until Kyle gets back.

But, can the idea of a good partnership mask the real issue here? That I am supposed to cope by myself. Women before me have, and women after me will continue to do so. So what's wrong with me? Sometimes I think I lack the American can-do spirit. But what if that attitude can create rifts between couples.....like you end up not needing your partner. Cause you are so good at coping without them. I don't want to be like that! I just want to be cool as a cucumber. "Sure, I can handle it honey. Go...I'll miss you something awful, but we'll be fine...it'll be fine." I want to know that when the shit (or the in-my-head-fear puke) hits the fan, I'll be totally OK. I mean, I've done this before. With a far younger baby than we have now. And two older kids....who actually, are really, really helpful with the aforementioned baby/toddler. It's just the thought of it. I think the thought of it is more frightening than the reality. Because reality, as ever, just sets in and life goes on.
So, I suppose I don't know if it's me being a complete girl or if it's that Kyle and I are a good team. If I think it's the former, then I feel like a complete loser. If I think it's the latter, I feel like a complete loser. (Yes, I know that was supposed to be the silver lining...but I still buy into that I should be able to do it all -and more- attitude.) The other option of course is to get out of the rat race, buy a farm somewhere in the middle of nowhere and have cows and corn to worry about instead of trials.