In the words of Kristen Wiig, in the character of Paula Deen, "This has been a doozy of a year". (Please read with a very heavy, exaggerated southern accent, then after reading this blog post, look up the SNL skit online.) Fortunately, my family has been safe and healthy, but a great deal just went on, you know? But as Christmas draws near, as does the end of the year, I have some musings that have occurred to me this year, 2012.

• The saying about truth lying somewhere between two people's version? I accept this as gospel now. I have spent a big chunk of my life trying, in any given situation, to get the bottom of what really happened. I finally realized that it's absolutely impossible. everyone comes to a situation with their own version of the truth, their own biases, their own baggage. The minute I let go of this need to really figure out who or what was or is right, the more peaceful I felt, the more I could love, the less weighed down I felt. In grad school when we covered different models of early childhood education, I just wanted to know which one was the right one. My ever wise professor at the time, just said, "Rachel, none of them are the right or the wrong one." A simple response that elicited the beginning of an "aha" moment. 
• Go to the source. I have a tendency to ponder, nay, actually to obsess, about certain things that I then won't actually deal with head on. (There is a bit of avoidance going on....) However, this year, I learned a huge lesson that as uncomfortable as a situation or a conversation may be, dear God, please go to the source and ask. Strangely, I am ok when it comes to apologizing to the source - whatever or whom ever that maybe. But, I am not great at questioning the source. I'd rather go over the query or problem again and again. Much like Gollum in the Hobbit...with an inner monologue (well outer for him), that repeats and questions, accuses and wails.  
• I will endeavor to not shame. I am a big advocate for, although still learning about, Brene Brown's Connections, which is a Shame Resilient curriculum that was launched this year. Please check out her website and if you have a mind to, listen to her CD, Men, women and worthiness. http://www.brenebrown.com/welcome                                                                                               Listening to Brene Brown's CD was another one of those "aha" moments. (The boys and I like to do the Despicable Me, "lightbulb" in Steve Carrey's fabulous voice.) I would have to write 10 more blog pieces on what I have learned, but Shame truly beats us and our loved ones down, slowly and torturously. For our children, it stays with them for life. Remember that teacher? The teacher that shamed you? Didn't just embarrass you, but literally shamed you and who you are? Usually it occurs in front of the whole class, but even if it doesn't, it stays with you for life and slaps more fuel on the "I'm not worthy" pyre. Everyone has one of those teachers...and as an educator, this fact is embarrassing. 
• I realized this year, that as hard as it is to be born, it is hard work to die. (I credit Uncle Rick for that phrase.)  Maybe not for everyone. Just like some births are a easier than others, I suppose, so too are some deaths. Kyle and I had the privilege of seeing his Grandma the night before she passed away. I guess Privilege is a strange choice of words. But I use it because I got to sit and stroke the arm of a 90 year woman who gave me the love of life, my three wonderful boys, and my american family. How could I not feel anything but privilege and immense gratitude? There's always that feeling, when an elderly member of the family dies that an era has ended. In G.G.'s case, she was the last one of her family to die. And I wish we could have written down all the memories and experiences, because now, we can't ask. The only thing I feel we can do, is carry G.G. in our hearts and keep her with us always. 
• Last, but not least, I have been pondering on what kind of advice I would give my boys when they decide they want to marry someone. (Because I am sure that they will all come to me to ask..of all people.) I have come up this so far - marry the person that you not only love above all else and would move mountains for (or country!), but this should also be the person that you would choose to be in the trenches with. It should be the person that would have your back whatever is thrown at you. Because if you chose that person and you stay connected to that person, you can face anything. 

So, those are my bigs thoughts this year. I'm working on another that is connected to small acts of kindness. Can they cancel out violent, cruel acts? Stay tuned....Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!