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I just read an interesting article in Newsweek on Motherhood (surprise, surprise). The author (Julie something or other) wrote about how mothers are setting the bar for themselves too high. She begins the article by describing mothers who pursued their carers, their need for creativity, their individuality while other women raised their children. Her two examples (Julia Baird...I found the magazine) were Doris Lessing and Dorothea Lange. Both women left their children while they carved out their careers. I think the point of the article was to show that while women are no longer held back by men, we are now held back by our children. More specifically, we are held back by the idea of a perfect mother. (Whom I am sure does not exist.)
"Today, women no longer need to escape their families to work or be happy - now they need to escape their own unrealistic expectation of what a good mother is" (J. Baird)
The author talks about how we are allowed now to be more than mothers, but that we wonder whether we have time to be anything else but a mother if we are to be a perfect one. I guess I do beat myself up about things that maybe previous generations didn't worry about. But in my defense I think this is a totally different era to raise children in. In some ways it's a more honest and open era. I think women are more willing to talk about what is hard about being a parent, a working parent, a career women, a caretaker, a wife, or a friend. On the other hand we are bombarded with what to do, (do use conflict resolution with your child and positive reinforcement at all times) and what not to do (don't praise too much - you may ruin their inner motivation and intrinsic reward systems). Advice changes as quickly as I change my socks. One baby could have whole milk at one. Two babies later and whole milk has too many calories and at one you can switch to skim milk. But wait, I thought fat was good for brain development? Or only good until one?
Motherhood at least isn't as public and scrutinized as being pregnant was. (Well, it might be, but in a kind of different way.) I have never felt as watched as when when I was expecting. Over the space of 7 years the list of things that were off limits grew and grew. It turned something beautiful into a medicalized condition. (I know, I know, it's all for the best, health of the baby etc, but I got the feeling I was smear on a slide, under a microscope.)
It seems like pregnancy is just the beginning of this hyperscrutinity that evolves into eventual complete paranoia that nothing you do as a mother is right. I hope by the next generation of women, they will find a balance between doing what makes them happy and what makes them a better parent and feeling like a good mother because they love their kids. Bottom line, they love their kids, like we love our kids. Whether we give them the right milk at the right time. Or whether we forget to praise them or we praise them too much. We just love them. And at the end of the day...isn't that all we need? All they need?