What makes it SO hard to close the baby chapter? I have been pondering this a lot recently. Mainly because I tend to over think everything and because perfect strangers come up constantly and ask if I am going to "go for the girl?" or they ask, "didn't you want a girl?" (To which my response - in my head of course is - "sure I wanted a girl, what one should I trade in? the sassy one? the one that throws fits? or the one still in diapers?!") All joking aside, I wouldn't trade a single thing about my life. (Unless my mum/dad/sister and family all lived in the OP.) And I am perfectly happy that I don't have a girl - there's only room for one crazy bitch in our house.
I am of the age where many of my friends are finished having babies or close to it. (Where the heck did that time go?) And while I love babies, and so does Kyle (oh and they love him, he is a baby magnet), I can't quite get my head around having one more. And it's not like I should have one more, but I don't always feel 100% done. But is that because I am just feeling the sadness that comes when you decide to pack in the baby gig. This brings me back to the original question: what makes it so hard to close the baby chapter. Here are my thoughts so far -
1. The ability to create life is awesome. It's the coolest thing my body has ever done. And as I liked to point out to kyle - my body did it out of nothing. (I know that's not entirely true, but that's how it felt.) I am not a raging feminist, but I am sorry women are pretty fantastic. I know guys are pretty cool, you know, they can pee standing up for goodness sake....but come on. Creating life? We only need you at the start and then you can toot your horn about your peeing ability. But realistically? Not that impressive in comparison.
2. The life of a mother, while wonderful and full of, um....love....it's just not that glamorous. But when you are expecting a baby, you're special. Just for a bit. Just until the wee thing comes out and then you're chopped liver. But when else do you get to talk about yourself (even if it is just to your obgyn?) and focus on yourself? Well, OK, that only happens with the first one, but you all know how I love to talk about myself, so this is a nice time in my life!
3. I wasn't a fabby career woman (although I Loved my job and that job ultimately led me to my graduate degree), I still felt like I was just kind of waiting to start the whole family thing. Now what do I wait for? Really? Wait for the boys to be stinky, hairy teenagers who mumble at me, think I am embarrassing and lie about what they get up to? Or maybe I should be on the edge of my seat for them all to leave for college? Right. then I'll be all psyched about empty-nest-syndrome. Oh I know what I'm waiting for! The menopause!! Or even better - the perimenopause. (Which I didn't know even existed until recently.) I assume that Kyle will kick me out and/or trade me in for a younger, more supple, less depressed/whinny chippie. (She'll probably be blonde too....)
I think I preferred the blissfully 'ignorant to life with children' kind of waiting.
4. I'm not really going to elaborate on this thought since it's a blog in itself - pre-baby body versus post-baby body. All I will say is, you pick apart your body before you had babies and then you totally romanticize that body after you have them. (See, only room for one crazy in our house.)
Maybe it's like university. You can't really believe it's over and you figure you'll miss all that delicious time you could waste and procrastinate about what you should be doing, but at some point it ends, and real life kicks in. It seems to me that life is all about adjusting to changes, and finding balance in your life. So, that means I have to adjust to the idea that I will not be cute and pregnant (I never felt cute, but I think you should.) but I will be fabby, with a graduate degree, and three handsome young men. Then I will find balance in my emotions about giving up that miraculous process of pregnancy/birth/nursing. I will put that process on one side of a scale, and on the other side I will put sleep/running out without having to pump milk/having my body to myself. Then I may be able to close the baby chapter a little more easily.
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